Thousands of really hilarious jokes
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
Q: What’s the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines?
A: In the USA, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US!…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the woman.
“Well then, strip down to your waist,” orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, “No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!”
Two drug dealers were brought before a judge on drug charges.
The judge said, “If, over the weekend, you persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you off.”
On Monday they returned to the court. The first man announced, “I convinced ten people to give up drugs.”
“Well done,” said the Judge. “And how did you do that?”
“I drew two circles, one big and one small. I told them that the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the smaller circle was their brains after drugs.”
“So what?” scoffed the second man. “I made 100 people stop using drugs.”
“A hundred?” exclaimed the Judge. “How?”
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop are on the same airplane and seated beside each other.
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?” asked the priest.
The Mormon bishop responds, “Yes that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Catholic priest then asks, “Have you ever had a cup of coffee?”
“Yes,” says the Mormon bishop, “I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee.”
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.
After a while, Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.
What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.
Why can’t a man be both good looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man’s brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars – and catches them!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it’s bite!
An asian guy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
After a couple of beers, the guy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the guy crashed down from his stool, fallen by a vicious hook from the director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”
Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”
#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!” exclaimed the Pinoy.
Why are manhole covers round?
Because if they were square, you couldn’t play twiddlywinks with them.
