Funny Jokes

A PROSPEROUS businessman propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn’t have any money with him but he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as “RENT FOR APARTMENT”

On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn’t worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount we have agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy? Because he only made a good buccaneer.

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Three men are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,

WOMAN: Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can date me for tonight.

1ST MAN: I love liver and cheese!

WOMAN: That’s not good enough!

2ND MAN: I hate liver and cheese!

WOMAN: That’s not creative!

3RD MAN: Liver alone, cheese mine!

What’s worse than finding half a worm in your apple?Getting hit by a truck.

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Dear Tech Support Team,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , PlayBall 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!

Thanks,

“A Troubled User”

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where am I going to find an imitation Jeep?”

Juan dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the American hell and asks the receptionist.

Juan: “What do you have here?”

Receptionist: “First we will put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we will lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the punisher will come and whip you for the rest of the day.”

So, hastily he goes to the next hells (UK, Germany, Canada, Singapore, Taiwan, etc.) and he finds that all are more or less the same as the American hell.

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end!

Two goldfish were in their tank.

One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’

Understanding MarketingYou see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She's/He's fantastic in bed.”That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you're fantastic in bed.”That's Brand Recognition.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”