Funny Jokes

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were noill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. “You know, ” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

Permalink I See You!

What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!

Permalink What\’s dangerous and swings from trees?

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, “Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.” So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. “Well,” he said, “Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek.” The jock complained, “Don't you think that's prejudice or something?” “Well,” the boss said, “Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

Permalink Job Fair

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.”I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I''''ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic.”That''''s nothing!'''''''' said the Baptist. ''''''''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I''''ll have a football team!”"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'''''''' said the Mormon. ''''''''I have seventeen wives. One more and I''''ll have a golf course!”

Permalink Peopling The Earth

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny.

He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.

Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.

Elevator Joke 1.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

Elevator Joke 2.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly.

Elevator Joke 3.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Elevator Joke 4.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Elevator Joke 5.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Elevator Joke 6.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him.

When the teacher asked for a word beginning with “A”, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say “ass” so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple”.

This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet.

Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby?? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”? She begins to drool.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him. He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don't understand!” he cries, “You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribesman, “Well now you are editor-in-chief!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”