Funny Jokes

What’s worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Getting hit by a truck.

Dear Tech Support Team,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , PlayBall 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!

Thanks,

“A Troubled User”

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where am I going to find an imitation Jeep?”

Juan dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the American hell and asks the receptionist.

Juan: “What do you have here?”

Receptionist: “First we will put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we will lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the punisher will come and whip you for the rest of the day.”

So, hastily he goes to the next hells (UK, Germany, Canada, Singapore, Taiwan, etc.) and he finds that all are more or less the same as the American hell.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end!

Two goldfish were in their tank.

One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’

Understanding Marketing Jokes

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I'm fantastic in bed.”
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She's/He's fantastic in bed.”
That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.”
“That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.”
That's Public Relations.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

“You know, ” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw!

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, “Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.”

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.

“Well,” he said, “Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek.”

The jock complained, “Don't you think that's prejudice or something?”

“Well,” the boss said, “Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

“I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I’ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic.

“That’s nothing!” said the Baptist. “I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I’ll have a football team!”

“You both should be ashamed of yourselves!” said the Mormon. “I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”