Funny Jokes

Terry Pratchett Quote 01
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 02
It’s going to look pretty good, then, isn’t it, said War testily, “the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse.” — The Four Horsemen of the Apocralyse encounter unexpected difficulties (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

Terry Pratchett Quote 03
Sodomy non sapiens, said Albert under his breath. – “What does that mean?” – “Means I’m buggered if I know.” — Mort and Albert are facing a problem (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Murphy’s Combat Laws are very funny, a fresh take on the very old Murphy’s Laws states….

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 01
A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 02
A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 03
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 04
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

“Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver.” –David Letterman

“The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new season of ‘Survivor’ debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, ‘This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.’.” –Conan O’Brien

Barack Obama Jokes

Obama Joke 01
Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”

Obama Joke 02
Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says “I am not on crack!”

Obama Joke 03
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”

Obama Joke 04
Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.

I’ve been reading the various Obama joke pages online and have to say they generally aren’t very good! If you’ve thought of a funny Obama joke please post it as a comment.

Yo Momma so Fat Joke 01
Yo momma so fat after a night of next i rolled over and burnt my ass on the light bulb.

Yo Momma so Fat Joke 02
Yo momma so fat and dumb she brought a spoon to da superbowl

Yo Momma so Fat Joke 03
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!

Yo Momma so Fat Joke 04
Yo momma so fat at when she weared a yellow jacket out everyone yelled out TAXI

Yo Momma so Fat Joke 05
Yo momma so fat dat she jumped and a earthquake happened

Also see Yo Momma Jokes for another 400 yo momma jokes!

Funny Yo Momma Jokes

Yo momma so fat that she broke a branch of the family tree

Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.

Yo momma so fat that she dont need no airoplane to get to china she just jumps up and down

Yo momma so fat that she makes a sumo beet anerexic

Yo momma so fat that she makes the grand cayon look like a paper cut

Yo momma so fat that she puts on lip stick wif a paint roller

If you read the “Yo Mamas So Fat Jokes” page you’ll have seen there’s over 400 user comments (more yo mamma jokes)! You can see that joke page at Yo Mamas So Fat Jokes.

I’ve pulled all the yo mamma jokes from the comments and pasted them below to make them a little easier to read.

Don’t expect them all to be unique, there’s over 800 yo momma jokes (over 11,000 words!!) so there’s bound to be some repeats.

Feel free to add more via the comments.

Happy reading

Yo Momma Jokes

Yo momma breath stank so bad she put a tic-tac’s in stock

Yo momma is like a horse i tell that bitch when to go and stop

Funny Irish Joke 01
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Funny Irish Joke 02
First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”

Funny Irish Joke 03
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.
A porter came up with an idea. “Why don’t we leave the last coach off!”

Irish One Liner Joke 01
Q. “I hear Murphy died, ” said Pat. “Was he ill long?”
A. “No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”

Irish One Liner Joke 02
Q. “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget’s appearance?”
A. “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

Irish One Liner Joke 03
Q. “Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.”
A. “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

Four Irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first Irish priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

Redneck Jokes 801-900

Other Redneck Jokes
Redneck Jokes 1 to 100
Redneck Jokes 101 to 200
Redneck Jokes 201 to 300
Redneck Jokes 301 to 400
Redneck Jokes 401 to 500
Redneck Jokes 501 to 600
Redneck Jokes 601 to 700
Redneck Jokes 701 to 800
Redneck Jokes 801 to 900

Redneck Joke 801
You might be a redneck if your sister is also your aunt.

Redneck Joke 802
You might be a redneck if your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

Redneck Joke 803
You might be a redneck if your sister/brother is also your cousin.