Funny Jokes

Money Joke 1
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

Monster Joke 1
What brings the monster’s babies? The Frankenstork.

Monster Joke 2
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn’t even entered.

Monster Joke 3
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.

Monster Joke 4
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other? I didn’t know we lived on the same block.

Monster Joke 5
How did Frankenstein’s monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.

Monster Joke 6
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death? He had a crush on her.

Movie And TV Joke 1
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. “How d the meeting go?” asks the first guy. “It went great,” says his buddy. “Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.” “Fabulous,” says the guy by the pool. “There’s just one catch,” his partner warns. “What’s the catch?” “We have to put up ten thousand in cash”.

Movie And TV Joke 2
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Music Joke 1
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

Music Joke 2
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won’t blow away? A: Root position cords.

Music Joke 3
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.

Music Joke 4
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” A: The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

Music Joke 5
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It’s all in the grip.

Old Age Joke 1
Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll

Parent Joke 1
Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o clock.” She said, “But Father, I m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”

Parent Joke 2
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.” When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF IT.”

Pig Joke 1
Why did the pig go to the casino ? To play the slop machine !

Pig Joke 2
What do you call a pig with three eyes? …A piiig

Pig Joke 3
A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled. “There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”

Pig Joke 4
A pig’s favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.

Pig Joke 5
All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don’t believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

Pig Joke 6
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it “Ham Hocks”.

Police Joke 1
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. “Name?” “Brendan O Connor.” “Same as mine. Where are you from?” “County Cork.” “Same as me……” The policeman paused with his pen in the air. “Hold on a moment and I ll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.”

Political Joke 1
Republicans say “Merry Christmas!” Democrats say “Happy Holidays!”

Political Joke 2
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Political Joke 3
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Political Joke 4
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

Political Joke 5
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a “Bud.”

Rabbit Joke 1
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b’s already.

Rabbit Joke 2
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from? Mother Rabbit: I ll tell you when you re older. Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now. Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician’s hat.

Rabbit Joke 3
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.

Rabbit Joke 4
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

Religious Joke 1
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says bridge out instead?”

Restaurant Joke 1
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”