Funny Jokes

Salesmen Joke 1
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. “I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said. “I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?” “Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”

School Joke 1
Teacher: What’s 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That’s good. Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!

School Joke 2
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!

School Joke 3
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!

School Joke 4
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school

School Joke 5
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Snake Joke 1
There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned? . Then the second Snake says “Why do you ask?” The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”

Snake Joke 2
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

Snowman Joke 1
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!

Snowman Joke 2
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

Snowman Joke 3
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

Snowman Joke 4
What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 5
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

Snowman Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !

Snowman Joke 7
What is a snowman’s favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !

Space Joke 1
What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer !

Space Joke 2
What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !

Space Joke 3
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. “Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “there’s good news & bad news.” “Oh, no,” muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.” “The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet.” “Gosh, and the good news?” “The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”

Spelling Joke 1
Please, ma”am! How do you spell ichael? The teacher was rather bewildered. “Don’t you mean Michael?” she asked. “No, ma am. I’ve written the M already.”

Spelling Joke 2
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

Spelling Joke 3
How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That’s wrong. That’s what you asked for, isn’t it?

Spelling Joke 4
First witch: Here’s a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don’t know when to stop.

Sport Joke 1
Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground!

Sport Joke 2
How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!

Sport Joke 3
Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!

Sport Joke 4
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!

Sport Joke 5
Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!

Sport Joke 6
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club? “Were the crowd not behind you” asked the reporter “They were right behind me all right”, said the manager, “But I managed to shake them off at the station!”

Teeth Joke 1
Fan: I’ve always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Teeth Joke 2
What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.

Teeth Joke 3
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!

Teeth Joke 4
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.

Telephone Joke 1
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

Telephone Joke 2
What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.

Telephone Joke 3
What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.

Time Joke 1
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

Travel And Tourist Joke 1
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Vampire Joke 1
Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

Vampire Joke 2
Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Vampire Joke 3
What is Dracula’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.

Vampire Joke 4
When the picture of the vampire’s grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? That the nail had come out of the wall.

Vampire Joke 5
What is a vampire’s favourite soup ? Scream of mushroom !

Vampire Joke 6
What happened to the two mad vampires? They both went a little batty.