Funny Jokes

Various Animal Joke 1
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? Nothing, you just run away!

Various Animal Joke 2
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear !

Waiter Joke 1
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!

Waiter Joke 2
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. “Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?” “What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

Waiter Joke 3
Waiter: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?” 1st customer: “I ll have tea.” 2nd customer: “Me, too – and be sure the glass is clean!” (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”

Waiter Joke 4
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog’s legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

Weather Joke 1
You re hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don’t you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Weather Joke 2
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

Weather Joke 3
You never get anything right, complained the teacher. What kind of job do you think you ll get when you leave school ? Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.

Witch Joke 1
What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room service.

Witch Joke 2
Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair? She always wore long gloves to cover it up.

Witch Joke 3
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With scare spray.

Witch Joke 4
What happened to the witch with an upside down nose? Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.

Witch Joke 5
Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

Witch Joke 6
Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat? To keep her head warm.

Women Joke 1
Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Women Joke 2
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? – She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

Women Joke 3
How do you fix a woman’s watch? – It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Women Joke 4
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? – The dog. He ll shut up once you let him in.

Yo Mama Jokes 1
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said “Moving.”

Yo Mama Jokes 2
Yo mama so poor she can’t afford to pay attention!

Yo Mama Jokes 3
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,”DING!”

Yo Mama Jokes 4
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo Mama Jokes 5
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, “What ya doin ?” She said, “Buying luggage.”

Zodiac Joke 1
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Zodiac Joke 2
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren’t afraid of the dark.

Zodiac Joke 3
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Zodiac Joke 4
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so…

Zoo Joke 1
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Zoo Joke 2
One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Mouse Joke 1
One lab mouse to another: I’ve trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don’t know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

Mouse Joke 2
What do mice do when they re at home ? Mousework !

Mouse Joke 3
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? Here Kitty, kitty, kitty !

Mouse Joke 4
What kind of musical instrument do mice play ? A mouse organ !

Mouse Joke 5
Why do mice have long tails ? Well, they d look silly with long hair !

Military Joke 1
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away — ka- boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bulls-eye! “I’ve got to get this guy!” Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lioni zed as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.” “I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says “…I ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

Mental Health Joke 1
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: “Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”

Mental Health Joke 2
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on sweety, let’s go home.”

Men Joke 1
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”