“Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.” –Jay Leno

“The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada’s Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It’s gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her.” –Jay Leno

“General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush’s policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That’s what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she’s going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the ‘family values’ candidate.” –Jay Leno