Funny Business Jokes

Funny Business Jokes 1
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand.

Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”

Business Jokes

Funny Business Jokes 2
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

“I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.

The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

Funny Business Jokes 3
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.

Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

“I just need one copy.”

Funny Business Jokes 4
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.

“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

Funny Business Jokes 5
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

Funny Business Jokes 6
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Funny Business Jokes 7
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.

“Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.”

The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire.

Why in the world would you need to borrow?

The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Funny Business Jokes 8
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?”

“Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”.

“After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs”

Funny Business Jokes 9
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.

“How’s business?” asks the farmer.

“Not very good, I haven’t sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm?” asked the salesman.

“Well– The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have.

I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling.

I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall.

I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall.

About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you!!”

Business Jokes One Liners

Business Jokes One Liners 1
Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was fed up with the hole business.

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Business Jokes One Liners 2
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.

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Business Jokes One Liners 3
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty? It’s for people who can’t swim!

Business Jokes One Liners 4
Monster: Stick em down. Ghost: Don’t you mean, stick em up. Monster: No wonder I’m not making much money in this business.

Business Jokes One Liners 5
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.

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Business Jokes One Liners 6
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don’t succeed – you’re fired!

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Business Jokes One Liners 7
Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? From crawling across the street when the sign said: “Don’t Walk.”

Small Business Jokes

Small Business Jokes 1
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant job.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the small business owner said. “But mainly, I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the business owner said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the business owner said, “is your first worry.”

Small Business Jokes 2
A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

“Sir, I m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

Small Business Jokes 3
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant job.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the small business owner said. “But mainly, I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the business owner said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the business owner said, “is your first worry.”

Small Business Jokes 4
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new small business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another small business competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read MAIN ENTRANCE.

Short Business Jokes

Short Business Jokes 1
A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.

Short Business Jokes 2
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Short Business Jokes 3
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
“Need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?”
“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

Short Business Jokes 4
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

Short Business Jokes 5
This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend replies “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Short Business Jokes 6
A man went to apply for a job.
After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”

Short Business Jokes 7
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I ll send you a check.”
In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

Short Business Jokes 8
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The boss asks, “Can you brew tea?”
The Irishman says, “Yes.”
“Good. Can you drive a fork lift?”
The Irishman looks at him and asks, “Why? How big is the teapot?”

One Liner Business Jokes

One Liner Business Jokes 1
INTERVIEWER to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

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One Liner Business Jokes 2
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.

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One Liner Business Jokes 3
Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

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One Liner Business Jokes 4
I’m always delighted when people stick their noses in my business – my company makes paper tissues.

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One Liner Business Jokes 5
My husband’s business is rather up-and-down – he makes yo-yos.

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One Liner Business Jokes 6
What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A dependent Claus.

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One Liner Business Jokes 7
What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A superior being.

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Best Business Jokes

Best Business Jokes 1
There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote “Beggar” on his broken cup.

He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup.

After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg” on his cup.

Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.

In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Best Business Jokes 2
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Best Business Jokes 3
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques.

However, no business was coming in.

Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal.

He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments.

Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor “Can I help you?”

The man said, “I’ve come to install the phone.”

Best Business Jokes 4
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, ‘I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.’

Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.

‘Now,’ said his father, ‘when I say, “Jump,” I want you to jump off the roof.’

‘But, Dad,’ said the boy, ‘there’s a huge drop!’

‘Do you want to succeed in business?’

‘Yes, Dad.’

‘And you trust me, don’t you?’

‘Yes, Dad.’

‘So do as I say and jump.’

The boy jumped.

He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised.

His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him.

That was your first lesson in business, son.

Never trust anyone.’

Best Business Jokes 5
Boss: “I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.”
Employee: “That’s because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?”
Boss: “Right. Except for the us part.”

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