Car And Train Joke 1
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

Car And Train Joke 2
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. “They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the man. “It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

Car And Train Joke 3
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Car And Train Joke 4
One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother “Why dont these people have electricity?” Very confused the mother said, “Wut are u talking about?” The girl quickly replied, “Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!”

Car And Train Joke 5
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and says “Well, I m a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?” And the attendant responds”Sorry, but no oil either.” The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can’t do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ?” The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.” The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”

Car And Train Joke 6
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, “I stopped it!” “I know, you idiot!” said the man. “I was pushing it!”

Car And Train Joke 7
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft to be tellin them. But I ll be tellin them I wasn’t the one drinkin .”

Car And Train Joke 8
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

Car And Train Joke 9
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11 3.” They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 4.” “What do you think?” one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

Car And Train Joke 10
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”. The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.” “That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!” Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast! The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”

Car And Train Joke 11
A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.” Father replies, :”O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we ll see.” Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?” Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.” Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.” Father replies, “Yes, son, you re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

Car And Train Joke 12
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Car And Train Joke 13
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Car And Train Joke 14
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Car And Train Joke 15
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Car And Train Joke 16
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Car And Train Joke 17
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

Car And Train Joke 18
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

Car And Train Joke 19
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

Car And Train Joke 20
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.” When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Car And Train Joke 21
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of th e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”

Car And Train Joke 22
When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. “If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

Car And Train Joke 23
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one politely asks, “When you’ve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?”

Car And Train Joke 24
After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane. The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem. Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they d re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

Car And Train Joke 25
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: “Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.” “What do you mean it’s illegal?” asked the Englishmen. “Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen says disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.” “You can ta pulla thata one ona me,” replies the Italian customs agent.”Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin a the law”. The Englishmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!” “Sorry,” responds the Italian official, “he can ta come”.”He’s a busy with two guys in a Uno”.

Car And Train Joke 26
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?” Andy says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.” “What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I d use the manual lever over there.” “What if that had been struck by lightning?” “Then,” Andy continues, “I d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.” “What if the phone was engaged?” “Well in that case,” persevered Andy, “I d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.” “What if that was vandalised?” “Oh well then I d run into the village and get my uncle Silas.” This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?” Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Car And Train Joke 27
A man walks into an auto parts store and says “I d like a rear view mirror for my Yugo.” The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says “Yup, seems like a fair trade to me.”

Car And Train Joke 28
One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You re going to get us killed!” Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother allways drives like this.” So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!” The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!” Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. “What the hell are you doing?” The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?” The driver replied, “That’s my mom’s car coming over there!”

Car And Train Joke 29
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee. The next day they re sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again, Ole says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee. Two days later, again they re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, “There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the – ” Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn’t get the rest of the instructions. He turns to Lena and says “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?” Lena replies “Aw, Ole, why don’t you just leave the car in the garage today?”

Car And Train Joke 30
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Car And Train Joke 31
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Car And Train Joke 32
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, “Just water.” The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?” And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

Car And Train Joke 33
a quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says “alright John, how you getting on today?”

Car And Train Joke 34
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. “Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked. “An arrow?” the confused driver said. “I didn’t even see the Indians

Car And Train Joke 35
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. “I was only going 40!” the driver protested. “Not according to my radar,” the trooper said. “Yes, I was!” the man shouted back. “No you weren t!” the trooper said. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said, Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

Car And Train Joke 36
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up,”what the hell was that?”. The truck driver replies, “some kinda animal, go back to sleep.” Further the same thing again, bang, “What the hell was that?”, “some kinda animal again.” Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, “What the hell was that?”, “Some bastard!”. “How terrible”,says the hitch-hiker, “but there were 3 bangs” The truck driver replies, “Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard. . .”

Car And Train Joke 37
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, “Pig!” The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, “Moron!” They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Car And Train Joke 38
A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says,”Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. “that dirty son of %$#%#% ill fix him”. He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells,”Don’t worry i got him with the gas can!”

Car And Train Joke 39
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right. “I’ve got a problem, Boss. I m stuck ere. I’ve hit a pig!” “Ah well, these things happen sometimes,” the boss says. “Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark.” “But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he

Car And Train Joke 40
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. “Don’t know,” the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. “This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”

Car And Train Joke 41
WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.” HUSBAND: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.” WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.” HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I ll check it out. Where’s the car?” WIFE: “In the pool.”

Car And Train Joke 42
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He d then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. “I m sorry to bother you,” he said, over the din of the banging, “but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?” Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, “Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here’s a six-ton truck but I’ve got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I’ve gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don’t break an axle”.

Car And Train Joke 43
Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “What’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?” “Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

Car And Train Joke 44
What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in.

Car And Train Joke 45
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, daddy.” He replied, “How d you know?” The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ASSHOLE! afterwards!”

Car And Train Joke 46
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked. “Cash,” I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.” “Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

Car And Train Joke 47
Whats black and white and red all over? A nun in a car accident.

Car And Train Joke 48
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!

Car And Train Joke 49
What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph? A witch in a high speed train.

Car And Train Joke 50
Where do ghost trains stop? At devil crossings.

Car And Train Joke 51
Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along? They only run a skeleton service.

Car And Train Joke 52
Monster: I’ve got to walk 25 miles home. Ghost: Why don’t you take a train. Monster: I did once, but my mother made me give it back.

Car And Train Joke 53
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!

Car And Train Joke 54
What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag.

Car And Train Joke 55
Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.

Car And Train Joke 56
What’s the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

Car And Train Joke 57
What do you get if you cross a Rolls Royce with a vampire? A monster that attacks expensive cars and sucks out their gas tanks.

Car And Train Joke 58
Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old friend for a drive, but after only half a mile the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. “Oh. Maud,” said her friend, “you’ve lost your engine!” “Never mind, dear,” said auntie. “I’ve got a spare one in the trunk.”

Car And Train Joke 59
How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car? Put him in the front.

Car And Train Joke 60
What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.

Car And Train Joke 61
My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.

Car And Train Joke 62
What is the meaning of afford? It’s the car most sales representatives drive.

Car And Train Joke 63
Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding. One said, “What are we going to do?” The other replied, “Quick, turn the car into a side street.”

Car And Train Joke 64
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad away..

Car And Train Joke 65
Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost? It had a nervous breakdown.

Car And Train Joke 66
If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Car And Train Joke 67
What should a teacher take if he’s run down? The number of the car that hit him.

Car And Train Joke 68
What sort of a car has your dad got? I can’t remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really – Ours only starts with gas.

Car And Train Joke 69
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. “They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the man. “It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

Car And Train Joke 70
On Fred’s 17th birthday, his Dad said he d take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car, the father said, “Just one thing, Fred. If you re going to hit anything, make sure it’s cheap.”

Car And Train Joke 71
What is an autobiography? The life story of an automobile.

Car And Train Joke 72
What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.

Car And Train Joke 73
Learner driver: What happens when everything’s coming your way? Instructor: You re in the wrong lane.

Car And Train Joke 74
Take the wheel, Harry! said the nervous lady driver. “There’s a tree coming straight for us!”

Car And Train Joke 75
A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

Car And Train Joke 76
You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well, I’ve been driving all my life and can safely say that I’ve never heard a word from the back seat. What kind of car do you drive? A hearse!

Car And Train Joke 77
My sister’s a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she’s run over.

Car And Train Joke 78
A motorist ran into a shop. “Do you own a black and white cat?” he asked. “No,” replied the manager. “Oh dear,” said the motorist, “I must have run over a nun.”

Car And Train Joke 79
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

Car And Train Joke 80
How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.

Car And Train Joke 81
Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.

Car And Train Joke 82
What’s the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver? A schoolteacher says, “Spit out that toffee” and a train says, “Choo, choo.”

Car And Train Joke 83
Which snakes are found on cars? Windscreen vipers.

Car And Train Joke 84
Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free, but underneath it’s covered with rust Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn’t charge you for it, did we?

Car And Train Joke 85
Motorist: Does a deer have a horn? Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns. Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.

Car And Train Joke 86
Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit? Motorist: I m in a car pool.

Car And Train Joke 87
Police Officer: Why were you speeding? Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

Car And Train Joke 88
Policeman: Are you going to a fire? Motorist: No, I m trying to prevent one. That’s what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

Car And Train Joke 89
Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car? Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?

Car And Train Joke 90
Policeman: Didn’t you hear me whistle at you? Woman Driver: Sure, but I don’t flirt when I drive.

Car And Train Joke 91
Policeman: Didn’t you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure, that’s why I sped up.

Car And Train Joke 92
Policeman: Didn’t you see my lights flashing? Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.

Car And Train Joke 93
Policeman: Didn’t you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

Car And Train Joke 94
Policeman: Didn’t you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.

Car And Train Joke 95
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going? Motorist: No, you re the one with the radar.

Car And Train Joke 96
Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.

Car And Train Joke 97
Policeman: How can you say you don’t have any outstanding tickets? Driver: They re all in the glove compartment.

Car And Train Joke 98
Policeman: I suppose you re going to tell me you weren’t speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all right, but I was testing you to see if you were paying attention.

Car And Train Joke 99
Policeman: I’ve had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That’s funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

Car And Train Joke 100
Policeman: What do you think you re doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour? Driver: My brakes don’t work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.

Car And Train Joke 101
Policeman: What do you think you re doing parking your car there? Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says “Safety Zone.”

Car And Train Joke 102
Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It’s too dangerous on the street.

Car And Train Joke 103
Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles? Driver: I was just going for a little spin.

Car And Train Joke 104
Policeman: Why are you driving without a license? Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.

Car And Train Joke 105
Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign? Motorist: I was only following orders.

Car And Train Joke 106
Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase? Motorist: Because you d catch me on a slow one.

Car And Train Joke 107
Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell “coward” at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow.

Car And Train Joke 108
Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

Car And Train Joke 109
Policeman: Why didn’t you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don’t believe everything I read.

Car And Train Joke 110
Policeman: Why didn’t you stop at that red light? Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.

Car And Train Joke 111
Policeman: Why have you parked your bus here? Bus Driver: The sign says “Bus Stop.”

Car And Train Joke 112
Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel? Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

Car And Train Joke 113
Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing? Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.

Car And Train Joke 114
Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

Car And Train Joke 115
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Driver: I didn’t want to be late for my trial.

Car And Train Joke 116
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.

Car And Train Joke 117
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.

Car And Train Joke 118
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I wasn’t going to miss seeing myself on “America’s Most Wanted.”

Car And Train Joke 119
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin mate !

Car And Train Joke 120
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he ll have to replace the whole socket.

Car And Train Joke 121
Where”s the car? asked Professor Delbert’s wife when he got home. “Did I take it out?” “Yes, you drove it to school this morning.” “I suppose you re right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he d gone.”

Car And Train Joke 122
McAfee and Bracket were driving home after a big party. “Hey,” said McAfee, “be sure to watch out for that bridge that’s coming down the road toward us.” “What are you telling me to watch out for?” asked Brackett. “You re the one Who’s driving!”

Car And Train Joke 123
A San Francisco motorist following a taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it stopped suddenly. “Why didn’t you let me know you were going to stop?” he yelled into the mist. “Why should I?” came a voice out of the fog. “I m in my own garage!”

Car And Train Joke 124
Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred eighty pounds, was thrown from his seat when the Southern Railway train he was riding derailed. The giant teenager flew a dozen feet through the air before hitting headfirst against a steel partition. For a moment Dilmer lay dazed, rubbing his head. The conductor came by and kneeled down beside him. “Don’t move!” said the conductor. “We’ve called an ambulance.” “Naw,” said the boy, getting to his feet. “I ain’t hurt so bad. That steel wall musta broke my fall!”

Car And Train Joke 125
Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. “The next train is in one hour,” said the stationmaster. The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink; Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. “Next one is sixty minutes from now!” said the stationmaster. An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. “Your parents just left you,” said the stationmaster. “Why are you laughing?” “They came to see me off!”

Car And Train Joke 126
Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, “Taxi!”

Car And Train Joke 127
The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. seeking at him, another man said, “Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat’s whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.” The young man took a deep breath and said, “Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station.”

Car And Train Joke 128
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.” At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot.”

Car And Train Joke 129
Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” he asked. “My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?” “Where are you?” John asked. “I m in the drugstore,” Jill responded. “And where’s the car?” John asked. Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”

Car And Train Joke 130
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I m leaving.

Car And Train Joke 131
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.-

Car And Train Joke 132
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life . “Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?” comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies . “I don’t know” . The other trucker says ” You and your brother “. Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him “Its just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see.” Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck .he gets on the CB and says ” Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are?” The other trucker says ” I don’t know who?” The roadway driver replies ” Me and my brother”

Car And Train Joke 133
A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would remove it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there is no point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new note where his had left his, saying just checking.!

Car And Train Joke 134
Personally, I like to stay and read the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: “Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!”

Car And Train Joke 135
A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists. The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese could do to better the car. The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent it to the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a sound system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese, who added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car, appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it over and stamped a sign on it…. MADE IN INDIA!!!

Car And Train Joke 136
A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, It’s no good you talking to me, young man, I m stone deaf !

Car And Train Joke 137
A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!. The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!

Car And Train Joke 138
Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ? They were both driving their cars at the time !

Car And Train Joke 139
Who drives away all his customers ? A taxi driver.

Car And Train Joke 140
Brother: How do you top a car ? Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.

Car And Train Joke 141
Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car ? Because she d never be able to learn the language

Car And Train Joke 142
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night ? Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough

Car And Train Joke 143
Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. Oh, Gladys, said her friend, you’ve lost your engine! Never mind dear, said auntie. I’ve got a spare one in the trunk.

Car And Train Joke 144
What do you call a pig Who’s been arrested for dangerous driving ? A road hog !

Car And Train Joke 145
Teacher: “Who built the first American car?” Student: “Me Pilgrims.” Teacher: “The Pilgrims?” Student: “Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact.”

Car And Train Joke 146
What did one car muffler say to the other car muffler? “Am I exhausted!”

Car And Train Joke 147
What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car, tune).

Car And Train Joke 148
Why is an old car like a baby playing? Because it goes with a rattle.

Car And Train Joke 149
What did the jack say to the car? “Can I give you a lift?”

Car And Train Joke 150
What part of a car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.

Car And Train Joke 151
What is the best thing to take when you re run over? The number of the car that hit you.

Car And Train Joke 152
If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing? There is no smoke from an electric train!

Car And Train Joke 153
What driver doesn’t have a license? A screw driver.

Car And Train Joke 154
What kind of ears do trains have? Engineers (engine ears).

Car And Train Joke 155
Who drives away all of his customers? A taxicab driver.

Car And Train Joke 156
What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.

Car And Train Joke 157
Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.

Car And Train Joke 158
What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train, the other trains the mind.

Car And Train Joke 159
What happens if an axe falls on your car? You have an ax-i-dent (accident).

Car And Train Joke 160
What would you have if your car’s motor was in flames? A fire engine.

Car And Train Joke 161
What did the big carburettor say to the little carburettor? “Don’t inhale so fast or you ll choke.”

Car And Train Joke 162
What is a banged-up used car? A car in first-crash condition.

Car And Train Joke 163
What did the man put on his car when the weather was cold? An extra muffler.

Car And Train Joke 164
Why did the man put his car in the oven? Because he wanted a hot rod.

Car And Train Joke 165
What do you call a pretend railway ? A play station !

Car And Train Joke 166
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ? A laplander !

Car And Train Joke 167
What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles ? A car-toonist !

Car And Train Joke 168
What do you call a group of cars ? A clutch !

Car And Train Joke 169
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha

Car And Train Joke 170
Q) What’s worse than raining buckets? A) Hailing taxis!

Car And Train Joke 171
What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ? Carpet !

Car And Train Joke 172
Monster: I’ve got to walk 25 miles home. Ghost: Why don’t you take a train? Monster: I did once, but my mother made me give it back.

Car And Train Joke 173
A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji’s coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was: “There should not be last coach in any train.”

Car And Train Joke 174
A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. Every time the train stops at station and he faced so much of problem as all shops to purchase eatables were far off. He was very upset and every time he was remembering that’s all happened because I am in the last couch. When he got down at the destination station, he asked the station person that he wants to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: ” There should not be any last couch in the train. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle.

Car And Train Joke 175
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and said: Come on in. They re bigger than ever and they last a lifetime! Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

Car And Train Joke 176
What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic? Toot and Car Man.

Car And Train Joke 177
Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? A: Don’t look I m changing!!

Car And Train Joke 178
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said,” I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60.” Tom looked at him, amazed. ” Breaking 60? That’s amazing!” Hawk smiled and said,” Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!”

Car And Train Joke 179
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Car And Train Joke 180
Q. What has one horn and gives milk? A A milk truck.

Car And Train Joke 181
Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A: A LOCOmotive.

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