Men Joke 1
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”
Men Joke 2
Men are like placemats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men Joke 3
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men Joke 4
Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men Joke 5
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men Joke 6
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men Joke 7
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men Joke 8
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men Joke 9
Men are like high heels. They re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men Joke 10
Men are like curling irons. They re always hot, and they re always in your hair.
Men Joke 11
Men are like mini skirts. If you re not careful, they ll creep up your legs.
Men Joke 12
How many men does it take to open a beer? – None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Men Joke 13
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? – Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Men Joke 14
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”
Men Joke 15
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn t, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.
Men Joke 16
Q. How do men define a “50/50” relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Men Joke 17
Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Men Joke 18
Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Men Joke 19
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Men Joke 20
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
Men Joke 21
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A. A power failure.
Men Joke 22
Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Men Joke 23
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Men Joke 24
Q. What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.
Men Joke 25
Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Men Joke 26
Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease? A. Because they re all pigs.
Men Joke 27
Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites attract.
Men Joke 28
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Men Joke 29
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Men Joke 30
Q. Why do men like love at first site? A. It saves them a lot of time.
Men Joke 31
Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Men Joke 32
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares?
Men Joke 33
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Men Joke 34
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Men Joke 35
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Men Joke 36
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Men Joke 37
Q: What’s the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Men Joke 38
Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Men Joke 39
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”
Men Joke 40
Why don’t women work as long and as hard as men in the office? They do it right first time.
Men Joke 41
What does it mean to come home to a man who ll give you some love and tenderness? You re in the wrong house.
Men Joke 42
Why do men act like idiots? Who says they re acting?
Men Joke 43
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat? Dump him.
Men Joke 44
How can you tell if a man is cheating on you? He has a bath more than once a month.
Men Joke 45
How do you confuse a man? You don’t – they re born that way.
Men Joke 46
When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn’t agree with them.
Men Joke 47
Where’s the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap
Men Joke 48
Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn’t have to retrain him.
Men Joke 49
How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Men Joke 50
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask directions.
Men Joke 51
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you? A chauffeur.
Men Joke 52
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows, it’s never happened.
Men Joke 53
How many men does it take to make popcorn? Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.
Men Joke 54
What’s a man idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Men Joke 55
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Men Joke 56
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
Men Joke 57
How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Men Joke 58
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
Men Joke 59
Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
Men Joke 60
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
Men Joke 61
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift? Exchange him.
Men Joke 62
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Men Joke 63
What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
Men Joke 64
Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Men Joke 65
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Men Joke 66
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.
Men Joke 67
What did God say after she made Eve? “Practice makes perfect.”
Men Joke 68
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
Men Joke 69
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: “So she would love you.”
Men Joke 70
Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Men Joke 71
Why do little boys whine? Because they re practicing to be men.
Men Joke 72
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Men Joke 73
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
Men Joke 74
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They d be wrong, but you could still use them.
Men Joke 75
Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
Men Joke 76
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: “don t” and “stop”.
Men Joke 77
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Men Joke 78
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a man , Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he ll give you a hard time. But, he ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds g reat,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He
Men Joke 79
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish and…. ‘
Men Joke 80
If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Men Joke 81
Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.
Men Joke 82
Q: Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.
Men Joke 83
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? A. In the pages of a romance novel.
Men Joke 84
Q. Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men? A. No phone numbers.
Men Joke 85
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.
Men Joke 86
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you re not quite sure why.
Men Joke 87
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
Men Joke 88
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? 1) Get away or I ll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
Men Joke 89
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
Men Joke 90
Why are men like paper cups? They re disposable
Men Joke 91
why don’t men do laundry? cause the washer and dryer don’t run on remote control!
Men Joke 92
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company
Men Joke 93
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Men Joke 94
The difference between men and women A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!” The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “Stupid!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
Men Joke 95
Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
Men Joke 96
What a woman says: “This place is a mess C mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!” What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !
Men Joke 97
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, “Excuse me, did you want that cart?” “No,” he answered. “I m only after one thing.” As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, “Typical male.”
Men Joke 98
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men? ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
Men Joke 99
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you d like to have dinner with.
Men Joke 100
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!” To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”
Men Joke 101
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
Men Joke 102
Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can’t believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.
Men Joke 103
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man’s mind wander? A: It’s too little to be out alone.
Men Joke 104
Q: Why do men float better than women? A: Because they are scum.
Men Joke 105
Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.
Men Joke 106
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men Joke 107
Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men Joke 108
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men Joke 109
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men Joke 110
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it’s hard to get them to work.
Men Joke 111
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men Joke 112
Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men Joke 113
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They re not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men Joke 114
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men Joke 115
Men are like soap operas. They re fun to watch, but don’t believe everything you hear.
Men Joke 116
Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men Joke 117
Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men Joke 118
Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men Joke 119
Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men Joke 120
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men Joke 121
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom
Men Joke 122
Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor? Answer: None, it’s a women’s job.
Men Joke 123
Question: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Men Joke 124
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
Men Joke 125
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Men Joke 126
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Men Joke 127
Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone…”
Men Joke 128
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, “Will, what will? I m making a list of people I m gonna bite.”
Men Joke 129
This man says to his friend,” I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel.”
Men Joke 130
Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman? A: Desperate!
Men Joke 131
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Men Joke 132
Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.