Mental Health Joke 1
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: “Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”
Mental Health Joke 2
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on sweety, let’s go home.”
Mental Health Joke 3
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.” “For God’s sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”
Mental Health Joke 4
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “That’s his problem.”
Mental Health Joke 5
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”
Mental Health Joke 6
What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Mental Health Joke 7
Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we re very busy. Don’t keep saying It’s a madhouse. ‘
Mental Health Joke 8
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I can’t make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”
Mental Health Joke 9
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
Mental Health Joke 10
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, “How it went?”. She replied, “Fine, but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slips.”
Mental Health Joke 11
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.” The younger looking one replies, “Who listens?”
Mental Health Joke 12
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.
Mental Health Joke 13
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” “Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
Mental Health Joke 14
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, “Why are you here?” The second answers, “I m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.” The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you re Napoleon?” The second responds, “God told me I was.” At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN T!”
Mental Health Joke 15
A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.” As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”
Mental Health Joke 16
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe’s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. “Doc!” Joe says, “It’s amazing! I m cured!” “That’s great news!” the psychoanalyst says. “you seem to be doing much better. How?” “I went to see another doctor,” Joe says enthusiastically, “and he cured me in just ONE session!” “One?!” the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. “Yeah,” continues Joe, “my new doctor is a behaviorist.” “A behaviorist?” the psychoanalyst asks. “How did he cure you in one session?” “Oh, easy,” says Joe. “He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.”
Mental Health Joke 17
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: “Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?”
Mental Health Joke 18
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
Mental Health Joke 19
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I m a wheelbarrow. Don’t let people push you around.
Mental Health Joke 20
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?
Mental Health Joke 21
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, What’s your REAL problem?
Mental Health Joke 22
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I m ugly! Lay on the couch, face down.
Mental Health Joke 23
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a spoon. Sit there and don’t stir.
Mental Health Joke 24
Doctor, doctor, I m manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
Mental Health Joke 25
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint? Who wants to know?
Mental Health Joke 26
Doctor, doctor, I can’t concentrate, one minute I m ok, and the next minute, I m blank! And how long have you had this complaint? What complaint?
Mental Health Joke 27
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Mental Health Joke 28
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail.
Mental Health Joke 29
Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please.
Mental Health Joke 30
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don’t answer!
Mental Health Joke 31
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN’t I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Mental Health Joke 32
Doctor, Doctor, I think I m a bridge. What’s come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Mental Health Joke 33
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.
Mental Health Joke 34
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Mental Health Joke 35
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
Mental Health Joke 36
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? “How long have you been having this phantasy?”
Mental Health Joke 37
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? “Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?”
Mental Health Joke 38
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
Mental Health Joke 39
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? “How many do you think it takes?”
Mental Health Joke 40
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?” “You re fine, how am I? ”
Mental Health Joke 41
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he’s in touch with reality now. So they ask him, ” Why did you put the newspaper down first?” He answers, “So I d be higher and have a better view.”
Mental Health Joke 42
When they arrived at the therapist’s office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there – speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Mental Health Joke 43
Patient: I m really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You re thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I m going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.
Mental Health Joke 44
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they re OK, then it’s you.
Mental Health Joke 45
Great news, Mr. Oscarson, the psychiatrist reported. “After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.” “Gee, that’s great, Doc,” the patient replied. “And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You ll see – you ll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever.” “Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?” “Well,” suggested the psychiatrist, “if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave.”
Mental Health Joke 46
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?
Mental Health Joke 47
Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, “How much is five plus five?” The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: “Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten.”
Mental Health Joke 48
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don’t change it for him/her.
Mental Health Joke 49
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
Mental Health Joke 50
How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops.I can’t believe I broke the last one. I guess you ll have to sit in the dark.
Mental Health Joke 51
How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he’s still clinging to the old lightbulb.
Mental Health Joke 52
How many Histrionic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? “You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don’t love me anymore!”
Mental Health Joke 53
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, “Hello.” The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that.”
Mental Health Joke 54
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
Mental Health Joke 55
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?” “Yes,” the boy’s mother answered. “And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked. “Who cares?” the mother replied.
Mental Health Joke 56
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. “Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you re ready to go home. I m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.” “Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”
Mental Health Joke 57
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?” The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.” The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I d just look at my watch.”
Mental Health Joke 58
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!” Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”
Mental Health Joke 59
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Mental Health Joke 60
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I m a teepee; then I m a wigwam; then I m a teepee; then I m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You re two tents.”
Mental Health Joke 61
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
Mental Health Joke 62
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed. Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed. The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.” The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.” The third followed with, “I m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.” The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t kee p a secret…”
Mental Health Joke 63
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” said she. “And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?” The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
Mental Health Joke 64
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired. “Well, I m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.” “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you ll have women buzzing all around you.” The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor. “It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.” “So, What’s your problem?” “I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
Mental Health Joke 65
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Mental Health Joke 66
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”
Mental Health Joke 67
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.
Mental Health Joke 68
Psychiatrist: Well, What’s your problem? Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes. Psychiatrist: There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself. Patient: Really? How do your like yours – fried or boiled?
Mental Health Joke 69
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
Mental Health Joke 70
The trouble is, said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, “that I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t tell jokes, I can’t act, I can’t play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!” “Then why don’t you give up show business?” “I can’t – I m a star!”
Mental Health Joke 71
Fred: “Why are you so upset?” Harry: “My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.” Fred: “So what?” Harry: “So she said to him, Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about .”
Mental Health Joke 72
Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate? Psychiatrist: You’ve got multiple personalities.
Mental Health Joke 73
Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
Mental Health Joke 74
A woman entered a psychiatrist’s consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”I m worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. “He keeps thinking he’s a kangaroo! ”
Mental Health Joke 75
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I m going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ? I can’t understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
Mental Health Joke 76
What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!
Mental Health Joke 77
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel? Because they are both surrounded by nuts.