Music Joke 1
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

Music Joke 2
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won’t blow away? A: Root position cords.

Music Joke 3
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.

Music Joke 4
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” A: The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

Music Joke 5
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It’s all in the grip.

Music Joke 6
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.

Music Joke 7
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

Music Joke 8
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Music Joke 9
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn t!

Music Joke 10
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Music Joke 11
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Music Joke 12
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog’s probably on its way to a gig.

Music Joke 13
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, “I could do that better.

Music Joke 14
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.

Music Joke 15
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.

Music Joke 16
Q: What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Music Joke 17
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

Music Joke 18
Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

Music Joke 19
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

Music Joke 20
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a “tuba glue.”

Music Joke 21
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.

Music Joke 22
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Music Joke 23
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

Music Joke 24
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Music Joke 25
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.

Music Joke 26
Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.

Music Joke 27
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists.

Music Joke 28
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Music Joke 29
Q: Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Music Joke 30
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.

Music Joke 31
Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Music Joke 32
Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First, third, and emergency.

Music Joke 33
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.

Music Joke 34
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!

Music Joke 35
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.

Music Joke 36
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. “Help!” cried the cellist, “I can’t swim!” “Don’t worry,” said the violist, “just fake it.”

Music Joke 37
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, “While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.” The violist replied, “You re kidding! The conductor came to my house?”

Music Joke 38
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.

Music Joke 39
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don’t play.

Music Joke 40
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Music Joke 41
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer.

Music Joke 42
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case.

Music Joke 43
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Music Joke 44
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Music Joke 45
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Music Joke 46
Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.

Music Joke 47
Q: Why shouldn’t violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they re missing.

Music Joke 48
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. “There’s not much room on this page,” he said. “What shall I write?” Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, “Write your repertoire.”

Music Joke 49
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, “I can’t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?” Max replies, “Well, it’s great, but I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there’s a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we re playing “Sheherezade,” your favorite piece, tomorrow night!” Abe says, “So What’s the bad news?” Max replies, “Well, you re booked to play the solo!”

Music Joke 50
Haven”t I seen your face before? a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. “You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.” “Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

Music Joke 51
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

Music Joke 52
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.

Music Joke 53
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.

Music Joke 54
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.

Music Joke 55
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it’s much more terrible if he doesn’t realize it.

Music Joke 56
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Music Joke 57
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I don’t want the neighbours to think I m employing corporal punishment, dear.

Music Joke 58
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, “Well, this kid really knows his stuff!” The other replied, “I don’t think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?”

Music Joke 59
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Music Joke 60
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

Music Joke 61
Q: Why are conductors hearts popular for transplants? A: They’ve had little use.

Music Joke 62
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, “I just like to hear you say it.”

Music Joke 63
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.

Music Joke 64
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.

Music Joke 65
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

Music Joke 66
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.

Music Joke 67
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

Music Joke 68
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Music Joke 69
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Music Joke 70
Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he’s Haydn!

Music Joke 71
Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.

Music Joke 72
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.

Music Joke 73
Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.

Music Joke 74
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, “Where are we?” Rachmaninov said, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”

Music Joke 75
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”

Music Joke 76
Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.

Music Joke 77
Q: What’s the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

Music Joke 78
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Music Joke 79
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Music Joke 80
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Music Joke 81
Q: What’s an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.

Music Joke 82
Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Music Joke 83
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.

Music Joke 84
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

Music Joke 85
Q: What’s the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We re still trying to find out too.

Music Joke 86
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Music Joke 87
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Music Joke 88
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Music Joke 89
Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.

Music Joke 90
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Music Joke 91
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Music Joke 92
Q. What’s the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Music Joke 93
Q. What’s the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Music Joke 94
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool.

Music Joke 95
Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

Music Joke 96
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Music Joke 97
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!

Music Joke 98
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.

Music Joke 99
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Music Joke 100
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Music Joke 101
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Music Joke 102
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.

Music Joke 103
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player’s best friend? A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Music Joke 104
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.

Music Joke 105
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Music Joke 106
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.

Music Joke 107
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first.

Music Joke 108
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Music Joke 109
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Music Joke 110
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Music Joke 111
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but they ll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

Music Joke 112
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Music Joke 113
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write pp, espressivo .

Music Joke 114
Q: What’s the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Music Joke 115
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.

Music Joke 116
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can t!

Music Joke 117
Q: What’s the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

Music Joke 118
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That’s the banjo player’s porsche.

Music Joke 119
Q: What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

Music Joke 120
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.

Music Joke 121
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

Music Joke 122
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Music Joke 123
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!

Music Joke 124
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !

Music Joke 125
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who ? Bassoon things will be better !

Music Joke 126
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !

Music Joke 127
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.

Music Joke 128
When is the water in the shower room musical? When it’s piping hot.

Music Joke 129
Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel’s Water Music.

Music Joke 130
What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.

Music Joke 131
Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.

Music Joke 132
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he d already done the sharps and flats.

Music Joke 133
What’s musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.

Music Joke 134
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Music Joke 135
Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

Music Joke 136
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.

Music Joke 137
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!

Music Joke 138
One day the bass player hid one of the drummer’s sticks. The drummer said, “finally! After being a drummer for so long, now I am a conductor!”

Music Joke 139
A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, you ll have to accompany me.” “Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

Music Joke 140
1st man: “My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o clock this morning!” 2nd man: “Did they wake you?” 1st man: “Nah….I was up playing my bagpipes.”

Music Joke 141
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: “Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

Music Joke 142
Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.

Music Joke 143
A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Music Joke 144
An eight-year-old kid says’t his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.” The dad says, “I am sorry — can’t have it both ways.”

Music Joke 145
How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

Music Joke 146
Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat :)

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