>>Healthy Question: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Healthy Answer: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

>>Healthy Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Healthy Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

>>Healthy Question: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Healthy Answer: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

>>Healthy Question: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

Healthy Answer: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

>>Healthy Question: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

Healthy Answer: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

>>Healthy Question: Is chocolate bad for me?

Healthy Answer: Are you crazy? HELLO, Cocoa beans …another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

>>Healthy Question: Is swimming good for your figure?

Healthy Answer: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

>>Healthy Question: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

Healthy Answer: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

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