Waiter Waiter Joke 1
Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!.

Waiter Waiter Joke 2
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Waiter Waiter Joke 3
Customer: I’ll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

Waiter Waiter Joke 4
I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, “This chicken is rubbery.”
And the waiter said, “Thank you berry much!”

Waiter Waiter Joke 5
Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don’t do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

Waiter Waiter Joke 6
Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.

Waiter Waiter Joke 7
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven’t any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

Waiter Waiter Joke 8
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That’s right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

Waiter Waiter Joke 9
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir – we serve anyone.

Waiter Waiter Joke 10
Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I’ve finished my meal.

Waiter Waiter Joke 11
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don’t serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

Waiter Waiter Joke 12
Waiter, have you got frogs’ legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

Waiter Waiter Joke 13
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.Ah, then, it can’t be you who took my order.

Waiter Waiter Joke 14
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you’re lucky.

Waiter Waiter Joke 15
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It’s in the sausages, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 16
Waiter, I can’t eat this!Why not sir?
You haven’t given me a knife and fork.

Waiter Waiter Joke 17
Waiter, I think I’d like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?

Waiter Waiter Joke 18
Waiter, if this is place then I’m an idiot.
You’re right, sir – it *is* the place.

Waiter Waiter Joke 19
Waiter, I’ll have a chop; no – make that a steak.
I’m a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!

Waiter Waiter Joke 20
Waiter, I’ll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.

Waiter Waiter Joke 21
Waiter, I’ll have soup and fish.
I’d have the fish first if I were you, sir, it’s just on the turn.

Waiter Waiter Joke 22
Waiter, I’ll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it’s anything like last time I’d better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter Waiter Joke 23
Waiter, I’ll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

Waiter Waiter Joke 24
Waiter, in future I’d like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

Waiter Waiter Joke 25
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can’t you tell by the taste?
No, I can’t Then what does it matter?

Waiter Waiter Joke 26
Waiter, is this all you’ve got to eat?
No, sir, I’ll be having a nice shepherd’s pie when I get home.

Waiter Waiter Joke 27
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter Waiter Joke 28
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 29
Waiter, my plate’s wet!
That’s not wet, sir – that’s the soup!

Waiter Waiter Joke 30
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, sir. He’s just popped out for his dinner.

Waiter Waiter Joke 31
Waiter, that dog’s just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it’s very popular, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 32
Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know that you are vegetarian.

Waiter Waiter Joke 33
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I’ve forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter Waiter Joke 34
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that’s because we’ve run out of flies.

Waiter Waiter Joke 35
Waiter, there’s a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won’t do any good, sir – he’s frightened of them as well!

Waiter Waiter Joke 36
Waiter, there’s a bird in my soup.
That’s all right, sir. It’s bird’s nest soup.

Waiter Waiter Joke 37
Waiter, there’s a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I’ve been looking for that everywhere.

Waiter Waiter Joke 38
Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers.

Waiter Waiter Joke 39
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.

Waiter Waiter Joke 40
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 – a live one?

Waiter Waiter Joke 41
Waiter, there’s a flea in my soup!
I’ll tell him to hop it.

Waiter Waiter Joke 42
Waiter, there’s a fly in my butter.
No there isn’t.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn’t; it isn’t a fly, it’s a moth and it isn’t butter, it’s margarine – so there!

Waiter Waiter Joke 43
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one…

Waiter Waiter Joke 44
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Couldn’t be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter Waiter Joke 45
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
That’s all right, sir, he won’t drink much.

Waiter Waiter Joke 46
Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Waiter Waiter Joke 47
Waiter, there’s a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

Waiter Waiter Joke 48
Waiter, there’s a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we’ve got branches everywhere.

Waiter Waiter Joke 49
Waiter, there’s a worm on my plate.
That’s your sausage, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 50
Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don’t get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

Waiter Waiter Joke 51
Waiter, this bread’s got sand in it.
That’s to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 52
Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That’s right, sir – it’s a bathbun.

Waiter Waiter Joke 53
Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don’t complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.

Waiter Waiter Joke 54
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter Waiter Joke 55
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.

Waiter Waiter Joke 56
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea’s nice and weak.

Waiter Waiter Joke 57
Waiter, this lobster’s only got one claw.
I expect he’s been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter Waiter Joke 58
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don’t you laugh?

Waiter Waiter Joke 59
Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter Waiter Joke 60
Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That’s rabbit stew!

Waiter Waiter Joke 61
Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I’ve just bitten on a piece of the door.

Waiter Waiter Joke 62
Waiter, what do you call this?
That’s been soup, sir.
I don’t care what it’s been, what is it now?

Waiter Waiter Joke 63
Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn’t know, sir. I’m a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter Waiter Joke 64
Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 65
Waiter, what’s this in my soup?
I’m not sure, sir, I can’t tell one bug from another.

Waiter Waiter Joke 66
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 67
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

Waiter Waiter Joke 68
Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!
That’s all right, sir, it’s not hot.

Waiter Waiter Joke 69
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That’s all right, sir, it’s not shrinkable.

Waiter Waiter Joke 70
Waiter, you’re not fit to serve a pig!
I’m doing my best, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 71
Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

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